Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
