i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
