You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
