Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
