My underwear smells like fireworks.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
