i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
