i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
