i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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