It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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