next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
