I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
