wanna go halves on a baby?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
