Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's always time for handjobs
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
