We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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