Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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