Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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