what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
