I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
