fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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