I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
