Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Randomize
