Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
