Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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