I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
