dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Randomize
