So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
