And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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