i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
