just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
