So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
