the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
