it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
ttyl tear gas
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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