I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
