I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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