My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
