he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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