This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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