dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
