last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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