I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
