I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
