So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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