if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
