She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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