i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
