I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
