What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
