Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
