I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
