I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I believe in your delicious
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
