he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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