someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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